How Abandonment Issues Affect Relationships

There is a significant person in the life of each of us, with whom we spend many happy hours and wonderful moments. We made plans with this person, talked about future prospects, and shared intimate secrets. It seemed to us that communication would continue forever and in the same vein. When the closest person suddenly disappears from your life, severe pain comes, and often it is accompanied by psychological shock. Subsequently, many people cannot get out of this state, convincing themselves that the pain of parting can occur again with another person.

For example, you can be involved in dating a wonderful person who starts freaking out every time you are going to hang out with friends. They can tell you in anger that they know you are looking for someone better and surely are going to leave them. You cannot convince them of the contrary because they have serious abandonment issues. So, what to do if you are dating someone with abandonment issues?

What Are Abandonment Issues?

This type of issues originates in childhood when the kid was rejected by one of the parents or the kid lost a very close person because of illness or accident. However, in some cases, these issues can be gained in adulthood after the incident when the person was cheated on or ghosted by a close person they cared about very much. Such experiences leave deep soul wounds, and it is necessary to make huge efforts when healing abandonment issues.

So, abandonment issues arise when a person who plays an important role in one’s life rejects them, is about to leave, and stops showing support and care. Although each person has such moments, there are personalities whose life is constantly imbued with this fear. Concerns can be somewhat dispelled only if their partner completely focuses their attention on them. The signs of abandonment issues don’t always manifest themselves in the form of intense negative emotions. Sometimes people just lose the ability to maintain normal healthy relationships, as they very deeply experience any parting or even lack of attention and perceive it as a sign of the upcoming breakup. Their whole life consists of tempestuous relationships and partings. They are very demanding of people nearby, trying to establish full control over them and tie them to themselves. Such behavior doesn't strengthen the relationship but leads to a soon breakup even if there is an understanding and patient partner. Abandonment issues signs include possessive instincts towards those who are dear to such people.

Abandonment Issues in Relationships

Meeting a new partner, they do their best to impress them and strengthen the relationship. They show care, love, generosity, and are always ready to be there for them, help and support. There is a very close connection between the two sides, and it seems to people that they have known each other for ages. They can become good friends and lovers. When you are involved in dating a woman with abandonment issues, you can notice that she doesn’t make a secret out of your relationship, on the contrary, she willingly tells everyone what a wonderful relationship you two have. However, in return, she may demand to be constantly nearby and belong only to her.

If the partner is not ready for such a relationship, then the person who has abandonment issues in relationships will perceive such reluctance as a sign of the upcoming breakup and become depressed or, conversely, can be very excited (sometimes they can feel both these states at the same time). One of the signs of abandonment issues in adults is that they do not intend to tolerate that their partners spend time with friends, relatives, or stay at work a bit longer. People with such issues are oppressed by the idea that they are not an absolute priority for the partners. They cannot tolerate the fact that their partners maintain relationships with their colleagues and even dine out with them from time to time. Their self-esteem either falls to the ground or constantly fluctuates from one extreme to another. Such people cannot believe that partners can enjoy communicating with other people besides them.

At some point, the partner, who they previously idealized, is re-evaluated. Depression and anxiety are replaced with irritation and anger. They start complaining that the partner does not care about them, does not give what they have expected, and spends too little time with them. They believe that the partner no longer loves and respect them, they do not appreciate their care, and as a result, they intend to break up (although this is not always the case).

Feeling abandoned, people are constantly in a state of extreme irritation and commit uncontrollable irrational acts. Hysterics, threats, angry accusations and sarcasm become more and more frequent. The idealization of the partner can be replaced with its complete depreciation. Sometimes there can be some reason for this (for example, a man forgot to invite his girlfriend somewhere), but the reaction to this situation is not always adequate. Very often, the excuse for a showdown can be the fact that a partner spent the weekend with friends, worked late for several nights in a row, visited a relative or a kid from their previous marriage. Any change of plans (for example, a postponed trip or a failed meeting due to the fact that the person was late for the plane) becomes a reason for a scandal.

After hysterics, such people feel guilty and get depressed, and such episodes can repeat again when the person feels the threat of parting. If a person with such issues sees that all attempts to keep the partner do not work, then irritation can sometimes give way to rage. In this case, they can begin to threaten with physical violence or suicide. Sometimes such threats are even partially realized. If there is no reaction, or if the partner is unable to withstand such behavior and leaves them, they feel even worse.

How to Help Someone with Abandonment Issues?

How to overcome abandonment issues? Abandonment issues are often not realized. And if you want to help your partner, then you should make an effort to help them realize the existence of the issues. Any therapy is started by admitting the problem. Even if it seems that everything is great, unexpected reactions may occur again, making it difficult to live a full life. It is difficult for a person to see what is happening to them and associate this behavior with early childhood or unpleasant incidents in the past. Often traumatic children's situations are forced out of memory, and the person thinks that everything seems to be fine. And they remember only good things. In such a situation, they can shift the responsibility for the abandonment issues to others. Nonetheless, abandonment issues can be overcome. It will not be easy to cope with it without a specialist, but you can take several steps and try to cope with it if you do see the sense in loving someone with abandonment issues.

1. You don’t know how to deal with abandonment issues, do you? As it has already been mentioned, you should help your partner realize the very existence of these issues and accept them. Anyway, these issues will not disappear by themselves, and the person will be influenced by them one way or another. Try to convince your partner that you love them and aren’t going to abandon, tell them that they don’t have any reason to worry. You can mention some examples of their irrational behavior and discuss it.

2. Help your beloved partner to find the strength to resist the mood swings and decide that they will not be influenced by this fear anymore. You will play a huge and important role in this recovery process since you are not only their partner but also their best friend.

3. You should help them work on their self-esteem and believe in the fact that they are worthy of love and attention. They should understand that there are people who will always appreciate and accept them with all their flaws and positive traits of character. You should show your appreciation for the partner.

4. Help your partner stay in control and calm down when it seems to them that you are going to break up with them.

5. Your partner should learn to manage their fears and become stronger, forgetting about the situations in their childhood and realizing that there is nothing in common with the present.

6. Your partner should understand the fact that they are surrounded by people who are ready to take care of them and who can be trusted. Communication with these people is crucial to overcome one’s fears.

7. How to get over abandonment issues? Your partner should be able to learn to open themselves up to other people, being, at the same time, attentive and careful in choosing an interlocutor for intimate conversations.

How to Overcome Abandonment Issues on Your Own?

If you know how abandonment issues affect relationships, it’s high time to deal with them on your own.

When you feel abandoned for the first time, your body begins to rebuild itself: the hormones change a lot. The volume of dopamine and oxytocin (hormones responsible for joy and peace) decreases sharply, resulting in heartache, apathy, and sometimes lack of interest in life. The levels of cortisol and epinephrine are increasing, and you feel lonely and very upset. What should you do? Here are several possible options that can come in handy.

• Start doing some charity work. Helping children, the elderly, animals, you will understand that your problems are insignificant compared to the problems of others.
• Eat something sweet. Chocolate and cake, bananas and kiwi increase the level of the hormone oxytocin in the body and help calm your nervous system.
• Physical exercises. Aerobics, swimming, fitness, yoga, boxing will never let you down. Thanks to the exercises, blood circulation in the vessels are improved, the red cells carry more oxygen, thereby normalizing the physical condition.
• Be involved in some creative work. Creativity has been popularized for the purification of the soul, and even Aristotle wrote about this. Drawing, engraving, reading, and writing are on the list of the best ways to free your mind from obsessive thoughts.
• Do not forget to look around, be interested in life and make new acquaintances. After all, life is not over, no matter how sad, offensive and painful it is for you personally. Allow yourself to have new interests, acquaintances and friends.
• Consult a specialist. If you find it difficult to cope with these issues on your own, seek advice and help from a psychologist who will assist you when getting through a difficult period.

You should not forget that each of us goes through the same difficulties, and almost everyone feels abandoned or alone at least once in their lives. There is a certain line between your feelings and reality, and you should overcome it. You should get used to the fact that there is always the opportunity to start all over again and do everything in a new and better way.