Is Arguing Good for a Relationship?

Sometimes we all do things that we are not proud of, but there’s no point in scolding for this. Even if the partner did something terrible, blaming them in public or in private can be pleasant, but it will not help you both move forward. Why do some people continue blaming their soulmates for the mistakes? Or does arguing make a relationship stronger? Spoiler: yes, it does, but there is a difference between a healthy arguing and simple accusing each other and looking for excuses in response. Interested in how to fix arguing in a relationship and never finish a dispute in a bad mood? Then read below to find out information about this and many more.

relationship arguing

Why Sometimes People Argue in a Relationship?

Not only deep psychological issues but also social standards make people disputing-prone. In some countries people simply cannot do without constant arguments and accusations, in others, they are used to being emotionally cold and keep their feeling deep inside. However, when such people get triggered, they will burst with a mad flow of everything they have been thinking but hiding before. Is that good for a relationship? Of course, no. But why people keep doing this?

Routine is the main reason. Living together may, at first, not bother the young spouses. When you first move in with that stunning beauty from one of the hot women dating sites, everything seems perfect. But over time, it would seem that even inconspicuous things can start annoying, for example, often quarrels arise because the couple cannot determine who will clean, do the dishes, or do groceries. This also includes questions concerning the family budget. Household issues accompany the spouses every day, and if they cannot agree, then it greatly complicates their lives.

At first, even habits seem to be sweet quirks, but in most cases, they begin to annoy over time. For example, one of the spouses leaves socks everywhere or likes long phone talks. It seems a trifle, but every day they begin to escalate the situation. According to psychologists, if a spouse has 2-3 annoying habits, then it will already serve as a base for a family crisis. Therefore, it is important to speak with your partner. If you don’t like something, you can safely say so and prevent further scandals. Parenting is another routine topic of great importance that can be a reason for constant arguing in a relationship. Even in a close-knit family, serious disagreement may arise about this. Most are guided by the example of their parents, follow their manners of education or do everything exactly the opposite.

What do experts say? Scientists state that one of the reasons why quarrels can occur without a visible solution is the learned model of behavior. As a rule, we learn to show love on the example of our parents, or those who raised us. But we also learn from them how to quarrel, to defend opinions, in short, we adopt the general model of behavior and project it already on our adult relationships.

The problem is that the models that we adopt are not perfect, and our vision of the situation becomes “tunnel.” Most often, we observe a picture when parents can neither agree nor find a common solution that will satisfy both, so it is about the dominance of the strong over the weak or mutual disregard. In the first case, we will copy the model of the victim or tyrant, acting identically or on the contrary, and this is nothing more than a trap because in this game there is no real winner. The second model, when adults showed a lack of empathy skills, the ability to listen and think critically, can lead to selfishness and competition between spouses. The only thing such a model does not lead to is a solution to the conflict when both sides listen to each other. Thus, our family, namely parents, often act as the reason why we quarrel in a certain way.

does arguing make relationship strongerSelfishness as a defensive reaction is another core problem of arguments. Often excessive aggression, selfish behavior, and anger are protective mechanisms for our fear. We feel hurt at the moment of a quarrel or due to other circumstances and choose the tactics of attack or response. Over time, this behavior becomes the norm, and we have a trigger developed inside that turns on every time a partner asks us a “wrong question” or crosses our border, for example, we catch them cheating on a site to meet girls. The game of partners “find the guilty and blame them” is nothing more than an attempt to assert oneself at the expense of the weaker “opponent.” Accordingly, instead of realizing that you are in the same team and will win only when you strengthen each other, perversion occurs when the humiliation of the other becomes an end in itself.

What is the solution to the relationship arguing? To understand the nature of the partner’s discontent and hear their true needs. If aggression and accusations are coming from them (or your), then this tells, first of all, about low self-esteem and dissatisfaction. Therefore, the first and main step on the path to healing will be work on self-esteem and acceptance of oneself, and, as a result, a partner.

The Main Reasons Why Sometimes Arguing Is Good?

Each person is like a small universe with its own laws and ideas about the world order. These universes constantly meet with each other, interact and, of course, periodically reveal inconsistencies and conflicts among themselves. So, a dispute is born, a verbal contest, a discussion in which everyone defends their opinion. A dispute can start something new, combining different opinions into one, or, conversely, turn into a conflict and quarrel. But does arguing mean your relationship is bad? Not at all, sometimes it is a healthy way of regarding a problem and reaching a mutual solution.

If you argue, it means you have something to say. Most of the time we try to get along with others. Even if we disagree, we try to signal that we seek to maintain a friendly relationship by changing our words, gestures or even the rhythm of speech. We are trying to make concessions. We keep our conversations under control to try to put people in a position where it is easy for them to agree with us. A dispute is worth the pain it causes. First, it tests the competitiveness of your ideas.

We show our true identity when arguing. Secondly, you have the opportunity to express your selfish side instead of trying to deny it. Prejudice, dogmatism, and stubbornness are the fuel for generating better ideas. Because when we prove our opinion and hear another side of the problem, it is more likely that we will reach an adequate common ground that will satisfy both.

It is vital to hear an opinion from the side. Thirdly, defects in human thinking can ultimately turn into benefits. Take a confirmed bias or our tendency to look carefully at the evidence in favor of existing opinions. Being alone, or speaking only to people who agree with you, can lead to overconfidence and polarization. The obvious flaws in a person's reasoning are strengths when it comes to disputes with others. When we hear healthy criticism, the blindfold falls off, and we estimate the real state of things. We value other people's arguments better than our own. In our own right, we are often lazy to think or make arguments to reinforce our assumptions. Only by facing the challenge of convincing others, or by facing weak arguments on their part, we allow them to find gaps in your argument and thus test our ideas for strength. It is important to discuss all misunderstandings with your partner, not only express your point of view or listen to theirs but HEAR. Take your time, devote it to properly perceiving what they try to say to you, and it will only positively influence your relationships.

Healthy arguing every day in a relationship saves people from accumulating negativity. If every small problem that arises, gets discussed straight away, you will not face the situation when your partner remembers every word you said 3 months ago and what look you gave them in public that they were offended by. Healthy discussing of all issues should be a part of your daily life to keep less bad thoughts and offends inside.

Healthy Arguing: Main Signs

As we have already found out, fighting and arguing in a relationship are two different things, and while the first signals the lack of interacting skills, the second is just the way to let emotions out and reach a solution to a problem. Of course, discussing an issue may cause you some inconveniences at first, but when you learn to hear your partner and express yourself clearly enough, you will realize how many quarrels may have been avoided if you had known this earlier.

You know why you start a conversation. Because to let your negativity out when you are in a bad mood is the worst decision to make. Perhaps one of the parties is not interested in finding mutual understanding and discussing a contentious issue. Or the time for a dispute is inappropriate. If you understand that you are involved in a heated discussion, it makes sense to stop for a moment and ask yourself the question - do you really need to spend your time and energy now to argue? How much arguing is too much in a relationship? Actually, when you notice that you start a conversation already knowing that it will not end in a solution and you will yell at each other, it means there have been too many of such discussions in your life. Negative talk has become a part of your daily grind. This is an alarming bell you need to change something.

You both understand your common goal. In that short moment, when you decide whether to get involved in the discussion, ask yourself the question, "Why do I need it at all?" If the goal is something like, “I will prove this villain that they are not very smart” instead of search for common ground and solve the problem, then you should not expect a constructive dialogue. Never perceive the person in front of you as the core of your troubles, take the problem separately from the person. Suppose you got into a car accident, instead of blaming your partner for crashing the car, realize that the past cannot be turned back. You will never change it, but you can think about what to do now and how to solve the problem of a new car, your possible injuries, etc. See the problem you have now, do not be mad at a person.

You still control your emotions. Is arguing healthy in a relationship? Yes, if it doesn’t affect the way you talk to each other. We rarely try to prove our point of view when the discussion does not relate to topics that are important to us. Therefore, such conversations are often very emotional and can easily turn into an empty dialogue. There are many techniques that help smooth out your own condition and conduct a conversation without harming your psyche and for the benefit of the cause. In order for the dispute to end in your favor, it is important to convey to the interlocutor their position and opinion so that they understand and accept it, and it is much easier to do this in a calm state.

How to Stop Arguing and Solve All Relationship Problems

Determining “is arguing healthy in a relationship” or not should be made based on your emotions after such discussions. If you feel devastated, miserable and even if your partner agrees that you were right, but it didn’t bring you joy, it means such arguing is toxic. Harmful discussions like this should be finished as soon as possible. Here are the main rules and advice on how to stop arguing in a relationship.

how to stop arguing in a relationshipCommunication is the key

Let’s divide this one into smaller paragraphs, which you should learn to master the art of listening to your partner and argue only in a healthy way.

Be interested in a partner. Try to get to know them better: be interested in them, their opinion and hobbies. Try to learn not only their positive qualities but also weaknesses. Understanding the other significantly reduces the number of reasons for the manifestation of aggression.

Listen to your soulmate. The ability to listen carefully provides good contact with people and is often more valuable than the ability to speak. And the family is no exception in this regard.

Talk about what your partner is interested in. The speaker should feel that the interlocutor not only listens but also follows their thoughts, understands them. Therefore, it is necessary to ensure that the spouse is interested in the content of the conversation.

Do not abuse criticism. Criticism is a boomerang that always returns. If we begin to criticize, there is no doubt: they will pay us back the same. When a wife tells her husband that he is unshaven and does not look good, she can hear in response, “Well you do not look that great either.” Criticism should include positive elements, it should not hurt the dignity of a partner, but rather “push” them towards actions.

Respect each other's needs

It includes admitting your mistakes as if you recognize your mistakes in time and correct them, then a quarrel or conflict can be avoided. When we voluntarily accept as a mistake that in the literal sense is not a mistake, we can successfully master the conflict situation.

Step into the shoes of your partner. Everyone looks at controversial issues from a slightly different angle and sees them in their own way. For example, the husband was late for dinner and eats without appetite. He, being tired, nervous, focused on his thoughts, doesn’t finish the dinner. The offended wife goes into another room, tension increases between the spouses. The wife thinks that the husband is inattentive to her, and he does not realize that the wife wanted to give him a pleasant surprise in the form of a delicious dinner in a cozy atmosphere.

If everyone tries to put themselves in the place of another, tries to understand the situation and the experiences of the partner, and they will be more tolerant of them and find the right way out of this situation, this will help avoid conflicts. The list goes on. However, the main thing is to respect the opinions of others, to be considerate and talk more about solving a particular problem, rather than delay it, waiting for another scandal.

To sum up, if during a quarrel you feel how the blood rushed to your face, and your heart began to beat hard, know: it’s time to stop! Frequent quarrels provoke a constant increase in heart rate, and such stress cannot pass without consequences for your health! In order not to endanger your health, learn to control yourself during a family quarrel. This will benefit not only the relationship but also your heart!

When you start feeling bad, take a pause in your discussion and return to the argument over the topic in about 30 minutes: this time, as a rule, is enough to put your nerves in order. But what should not be done is to hush up conflict situations and prohibit disputes. Silent negative emotions harm health no less than their open manifestation and cause passive-aggressiveness. Be sure to discuss controversial issues, but only calmly, without screaming and cursing. Yes, it is not as simple as it seems, but you can still learn it! Almost any dispute can be resolved if we talk about our own feelings, and not about the actions of a partner. That is, instead of saying, “You are a complete fool!” say, “I think you acted not so wisely in this situation.” The difference is slight yet noticeable, it will soften the statement and allow your partner to start a dialogue, and not rush into battle with you.

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